Despair

Have I lost everything?
What I have held dear to my heart,
Everything?
The structure of thought,
The structure of whatever i always wanted?

I am learning,
To trust you Lord.
But I don't know
If I am worthy of your love.
I had live the life of a run away son.
And return to your side.
Yet I feel the guilt running through me
Is this Lord, satan's handicraft?

Lord, help me.Help me to stick close to your side.
Leave me not, Lord.
Because I am ashamed of myself.
Terribly, very sick of myself.
The way i am living it,
As though nothing matters.