There are some things I have to tell you. But I can't seem to tell you face to face, and all at once. It seemed too much like excuses, and I hate excuses (barring the jokes on excuses, but thats another thing altogether). There is a lot about myself that I hate, like Tris. Painful, prideful, insecure, and scared. All the negatives.

I keep waiting for the wrong things you'd say. If you would be like my ex. I'm sorry, and I don't mean it, but at that moment...I'll freeze and hope you'll say the things I long to hear. I'm happy that you always say the things that I need, at that specific moment. I hate that side of me. So insecure, so afraid, and..so vulnerable. I haven't felt this way in a long long time. I forgot that it can hurt. I forgot love can hurt.

You and him are really similar. I was shocked in GZ. Like how...similar you are to him. And how afraid I am. I could tell you the entire 'its not you, its him' story, but that would be somewhat a lie. Because you have the same potential to hurt me. And the scarier thing is that I would have the exact same power to hurt you. How much more would I have to demand and ask before I'll hurt you beyond you can take? I often ask myself this. I fear knowing the answer, because I know when I know the answer, it will be the end of this relationship. It hurts too, knowing that I've hurt you. Is it preposterous (a word that I've learnt and spell recently) for me to say that it is the same for you?

I want to be perfect for you. Whatever you want me to be, I'll be that person. Whatever you want me to give you, I'll be able to give. I bet any psychology student would have a field day with the above phenomenon. I can already identify several mechanisms... but that is off-tangent. I don't want to be that person at the same time. Its painful to lose yourself, and if the time comes to lose the other person, it makes you hate yourself. All you can ask is..why.

Why I am cautious of being too close too fast. Another issue. Is it because I don't want to go back on my faith? Absolutely. Are there other reasons? Definitely. I feel like I am feeding my insecurity when I do things to challenge the line. To know that we both have problems makes me feel that I have power over you, over us. Not that it'll eventually circle back to me regretting making some choices, but at that moment, I can't think. And I am ashamed of acting two-faced. What I say I want, but I do... remains two separate things. I'm sorry, and I am doing my best to rectify this mistake...

I guess this is about the things I feel at the moment? They do...sound like excuses at times, don't they? :/