I guess I sort of knew,
As that dance flowed through me.
I could still remember the tears,
Gently running.

I guess that night was the start,
Of everything I feared.
There was no peace in my heart,
Only fear of the certainty.

I don't miss you anymore,
But sometimes I wondered.
What made me liked you,
What drove me to you?

Was it the drama,
Was it the hype?
Was it the high,
Or was it the pride?

There are just so many things I want to tell you, so many things. But I don't think you want to know them anymore? But I miss you. Terribly. 

I miss you. 

I hate that I'm actually getting that hurt over you. And that you seems to be happy that I'm out of your picture. 

What happened to all the pretty promises,

Maybe there are just another baseless lie. 

Told me things you can't keep,

Then blamed everything on me. 

I don't know what I've gained,

But I know what I've lost. 

Sometimes I'm afraid,

Of sitting alone in the dark. 

I'm not afraid to face loneliness,

I'm afraid to face God. 

To feel only His displeasure,

As I feared the consequences of my varied sins. 

I'm afraid of my darkness,

I know I'm no angel of light. 

I'm a mere mortal,

Who is supposed to be right. 

If I'm right,

Why do I fear standing in the presence of God?

I've done nothing but shamed Him,

Caused Him to shake His head at me in disappointment. 

Yet He is gracious in His ways,

And yet not sought punishment in this state.

Lord, oh Lord, 

Please let Your will be done. 

Even more so,

Let me know what exactly your will is so I can do Your will. 

I'll not fight You anymore,

I'll do my best to do that. 

Memory

I drew a memory of you,

Sitting on that chair. 

Sunlight filtered through the blinds,

Shining from your eyes. 

I colored the memory with happiness,

With sadness and with tears. 

Colors swirled and blended together,

Softly churning into one. 

I sealed the portrait with a kiss,

The last that I'll give. 

Time to say goodbye to that piece,

Of beauty and of peace. 

Fear

When I heard your voice,
I began to fear.
To fear if the curse,
Would return
To haunt my memories again.

The day I heard you say
"I love you"
The tears flowed in my heart
Fearing for the worse.

This is like a chain
That bound my heart
Slowly soaring and something
Drags it down
No matter how right it feels
I am afraid.

Memories gushed from the broken rock
Like a river that flows beneath the sandals
Quietly bleeding to death
Tears can't stop stabbing
Into that wound

There are some things I have to tell you. But I can't seem to tell you face to face, and all at once. It seemed too much like excuses, and I hate excuses (barring the jokes on excuses, but thats another thing altogether). There is a lot about myself that I hate, like Tris. Painful, prideful, insecure, and scared. All the negatives.

I keep waiting for the wrong things you'd say. If you would be like my ex. I'm sorry, and I don't mean it, but at that moment...I'll freeze and hope you'll say the things I long to hear. I'm happy that you always say the things that I need, at that specific moment. I hate that side of me. So insecure, so afraid, and..so vulnerable. I haven't felt this way in a long long time. I forgot that it can hurt. I forgot love can hurt.

You and him are really similar. I was shocked in GZ. Like how...similar you are to him. And how afraid I am. I could tell you the entire 'its not you, its him' story, but that would be somewhat a lie. Because you have the same potential to hurt me. And the scarier thing is that I would have the exact same power to hurt you. How much more would I have to demand and ask before I'll hurt you beyond you can take? I often ask myself this. I fear knowing the answer, because I know when I know the answer, it will be the end of this relationship. It hurts too, knowing that I've hurt you. Is it preposterous (a word that I've learnt and spell recently) for me to say that it is the same for you?

I want to be perfect for you. Whatever you want me to be, I'll be that person. Whatever you want me to give you, I'll be able to give. I bet any psychology student would have a field day with the above phenomenon. I can already identify several mechanisms... but that is off-tangent. I don't want to be that person at the same time. Its painful to lose yourself, and if the time comes to lose the other person, it makes you hate yourself. All you can ask is..why.

Why I am cautious of being too close too fast. Another issue. Is it because I don't want to go back on my faith? Absolutely. Are there other reasons? Definitely. I feel like I am feeding my insecurity when I do things to challenge the line. To know that we both have problems makes me feel that I have power over you, over us. Not that it'll eventually circle back to me regretting making some choices, but at that moment, I can't think. And I am ashamed of acting two-faced. What I say I want, but I do... remains two separate things. I'm sorry, and I am doing my best to rectify this mistake...

I guess this is about the things I feel at the moment? They do...sound like excuses at times, don't they? :/

Sometimes I hate my ability to read emotions. Because I can't hide from reality. 

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied 
Who told me time would ease me of my pain! 
I miss him in the weeping of the rain; 
I want him at the shrinking of the tide; 
The old snows melt from every mountain-side, 
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane; 
But last year’s bitter loving must remain.
Edna St. Vincent Millay

If wishes

If wishes kept in a bottle would all be granted

How wrong my life would be

All my desires overflowing

No room left for God's delicate plans

If wishes kept untold would be spoken 

How shameful would my life be

All the selfish wants showing

No room left for my true needs

If wishes spoken in the dark of night is revealed

What would it be

Only The Lord could grant them

And I put all in His hands. 

Once upon a sign

The sign I was waiting for:

When I fear,

Lord you are always here next to me

As I struggle with my feelings,

Lord you always calm my heart

Be with me,

In silence and in noise

Help me know you are near. 

Am studying across him again. But this time, there's so much difference from that night.
#feelingslightlydisoriented

That's all

All the off-hand promises I still hold
Wondering if you'll remember them
Would you be different from him
The one that makes and breaks everything

I am not doubting your words
Just wondering a little
My heart is starting to tear down its barriers
Guards too long in place are melting

That's all.

I'm starting to dream a little

Of the probable future

With you

And us

Beauty colors my sight

Warmth flushes my heart

With just a tiny shadow

Hiding in that corner

I'm afraid of hope 

Because you need courage to hope

Hope is the only thing that hurts

And kill you

I wonder if I'm alone

Even when I know you like me

I just need a small expression 

Of that like

Please make a little move

A word, a sound

Just a tiny one

So I can be reassured

Its only times like this
I'll care to admit
You mean way much more to me
Than I ever expected

Like a silent wish
Lost in the night sky
That lone star's shine
Slowly dulls

I am scared
Every single day
I am still amazed
That you are by my side

For emotions that I thought was dead
It bubbled on the surface
Yet suppressed still
Nearly controlled

Suddenly everything changed
Leaving no time to think
You are here
Quietly waiting

 But I am afraid
That I'll disappoint
All the mistakes I've made
Would it happen again

I haven't dared to hope
For the longest time
I just want to keep on praying
Keeping you in a place where you'll always be safe

To my best friend

Hey yy, I only caught up with your blog post today, and I am sorry that I didn't notice your pain. I wished I did, and I wished I could have been there for you. But I also know you would have wanted to be alone. Your new blog design is more cheerful, and that suits you more than your previous one. That just seems a little too dark for you, haha.

How crazy everything's been for gl'amour VI that I feel kind of empty without the rush. Rushing for rehearsals, item training, costumes, and everything else, they are just gone that fast. Time just flew past by incredibly fast. Well hey, I'm not that noticeable by photographers too, all the arty attempts fell flat >< Aman and I are just a boring couple that is just not fun, not like you, leon, and ron. You guys are the fun, the noise.

Its amazing how many things KK said throughout his and our terms that continue to haunt and influence us. That guy is THE natural leader (aka the guilt tripper). I feel really sad for him; he of all people should be the most respected, yet...

Yy, you can dance. Though you do need to hold your frame up a bit more, haha. And since when a re you slower or not competent enough? You are definitely smarter than me, and also learn steps faster than me too. Being stubborn isn't necessary a bad thing. I know you feel that you are the just stubborn, but just being just bull-headed doesn't get you anywhere. It takes a whole lot of other things for stubbornness to be effective. And you undoubtedly have a whole bunch of other talents for you to do the things you are doing today. Our exco probably would have broken down without you. Just saying.

When it comes down to the most important factor, it is always about choice, isn't it?

There are times I forgot words exists,
That I no longer know what to write.

When emotions speak louder,
As my body swayed to the tide.

Its a little crazy, melancholy, and painful,
But I am who I am.

I am made to move to my pain,
The sorrow that comes along.

In response to http://t-ransientmoments.tumblr.com/

One liners make me happy, and I could get drunk on them. #justsaying

Dance, Culture, and Society is a class where I am constantly reminded of my passion to dance. #justsaying It's also one where i don't really pay attention (as contributed by stanley)

Its been a while since I've last heard from you.
Its not like I don't see you anymore.
Its more like you haven't talk to me as much.
Its painful.

I guess it was partly my fault.
Making you force your hand.
Just to make myself feel better.
So I could let you go.

I don't know why it hurts exceptionally bad today.
But maybe 'cuz today's your day.
I don't want to let go.
But it wasn't totally up to me.

I don't feel our interactions are forced.
But I guess I don't feel connected.
Maybe I've thought too much previously.
Added emotions to things that weren't there.

I still check my phone often.
For signs of you.
I'm not sure.
I want you to know this.

Absolutely horrified of checking my phone. And see the long list of whatsapp messages. That app should be officially banned.

I miss daydreaming. There is something about a crazy week and crazy people that makes you just wanna spend a quiet day near a river and just daydream a little. About what life can be and what it could be. Or just spending a little time with someone that you can talk rubbish with. Or just that friend that you haven't caught up with in a long while.

Random thoughts rambling after reading skipping-it

Its been a while since I blog, and this is the first post of the year, 19 days late, haha. As usual, I can only find the patience to blog a long proseyish post when I am in a particularly painful class... but that's for another post.

2014 was a time for change, and a time for new beginnings and responsibilities that I didn't expect to take up (or dumped on, depending on your pov). But its been a good year, mostly, and made a whole lot group of friends. And that's all it matters. Reconciliations, forging new relationships, getting connected to old friends. Time has a funny way of getting what it wants done, but I don't fault its timing. Or God's timing. Things that happened or didn't, I believe they all have a certain purpose to it. But I ended it being very sick, haha.

2015 started off with work, lots of work. But hey, at least this year's Gl'Amour isn't a one man show. I am pretty thankful for everyone, for their patience and listening ears. So far. I miss yy though, really miss her. I mean... its not like I don't mean nothing to her now, but you know yy, sometimes I really really miss you. #justsaying And my quiet and sensible dance partner suddenly becomes... crazy (slightly, but still). Like you know, ron-ish crazy. And class part. In ethics. And a whole bunch of freshies that I didn't mean to be friends with. So I guess it started off pretty well! Ballare style.

Oh, and I totally forgot to think about New Year Resolutions. Oh well *shrugs*

It hurts.

Jt, just get the fact that you are pissed off. And please stay pissed off.

From jt in the past

Losing it

Scarlet seems to be leaving me. Being part of me for 5 years (?), I feel that Scarlet is leaving me behind. Or did I lose her? Scarlet is fading and bleeding out of me. If I had dissociative identity disorder, I am pretty sure one of my dissociative would be Scarlet. Strange isn't it, to consider a blog as being part of you. I am tired of Scarlet, and I wish that I could pretend that Scarlet didn't exist so perhaps my parents would love me a little more, or that I could have more friends. But Scarlet knew better. She knew I needed to feel, I needed to cry, I needed to find the one that can handle Scarlet (not yet unfortunately). But Scarlet seems to be tired of me. She knew I refused to let her out during these weeks, she knew I stopped her from typing out a series of potentially embarrassing texts to people, and also knew that I was stopping her from breaking down. Because I know the pain of sewing myself back together. It simply hurts more. I just need to breathe and tide over this pain. But when will it stop? Scarlet has faded into the background for most part of this year, and jt feels a little empty and weird. Maybe Scarlet is biding her time, maybe the time for jt to breakdown is near. I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that all this while I am just tired.

Maybe I should have let Scarlet win.

Ending year 4 is harder than I thought it will be. Not just because of him too.

When I think of you

When I think of you
My heart hurts a little.
I'll like to think that it'll hurt a little less
If I have never met you.

When I think of you
I just want you
But everything I believe in
Questioning my like for you

When I think of you
I thought of the possibilities
But I am just afraid
That the past would be too painful.

I wonder, I really wonder how feelings work. Or rather, how attraction work, you know, in a scientific way (who are you kidding, jt??). But really, how does it work? Been a little hopeful these few days, and a little anxious, and perhaps a little panicky as well. Everything is a little scary, whether to go forward or to stay back, because both ways have so much potential to hurt. I feel a little paralyzed from the fear. Been waiting and observing, but pushing and trying too. Both courses of actions hurts too, from the insecurity. Like what if... I don't deny I am very afraid and scared to fall again...

Just a little more, and perhaps we'll go further
Baby, it ain't difficult.
Just a little scared of being hurt
Baby, it ain't personal.

Trust doesn't come that easily, perhaps 'cuz I loved and hurt.
But maybe I'll give you a chance,
When I've lost your affection.

Ta da da da da
It seems like a good timing, for six of us to cry in a circle
Because you know I love dancing best.
You ain't too far from the mark, that makes for excellent fantasizing.

La la la la la la la la
Wailing seeps through the dripping pores,
Slipping quietly through that door.
blah blah blah blah seems to knock on my wall
Who's running for that door?

Spent a day with him (almost) sitting opposite him, waiting to see his smile. I honestly never thought that I'll do that again, waiting for someone, doing something with someone. But something tiny just broke inside me, and I am still waiting. To say, to confess, whatever is that word. But I am waiting for something to happen. Just a tiny sound? A little hint? Of perhaps something more? I want to badly justify...

I wish that I have the courage to tell you right now, right in the midst of revision, nonchalantly, that I really like you. That I am waiting and seeing... Its only for you I'll wait till the late hours to head home, when I don't have to stay any longer, just to hear your voice a little longer.

I still don't dare to ask you that question...

This hurts so much, so much more than I thought it would. Baka JT :/

What is this piercing pain,
When I can't see your face?

When did I surrender my heart to you,
That I feel I can't live without you?

What is this strange loss,
When your face is turned away?

When did you took away everything I had,
That you became that part of me?

What is this sudden urge to cry,
When you don't reply my texts?

When did you became my mood changer,
That I had to pretend I'm ok?

What is this silent hope,
When I walked beside you?

When did you fill me even when you don't know me,
That I didn't want you to?

Please just give me an answer, for I don't know who I am anymore.

Its been a while,
Since the last time I saw your face.
I've heard news about you,
And it seems the same.

I dreamt about you
In a hazy way.
I thought you might be around,
Playing that silent game.

Its been a while,
Since the last time I've fallen in love.
Its a fearful drop,
Into the wary place.

I'm not sure where this leads,
And I'm dreading it.
Because you seems to be there,
Yet not there all the same.

My heart throbs occasionally,
Even when you are far away.
I am unsure,
Yet feeling clear-headed.

Maybe I am fighting it,
Because its like a one way street.
Lonely and scared,
Till all wits seems to fade.

I can't help but speak,
Shyly to you.
As I see you,
My heart starts to speak.

"He's the one!
Go for it."
Yet I still fear,
With all logic.

I am pretty sure you wouldn't read this
The one this is intended for.
But I guess its okay,
That you can't see my heart.

After an eventful day ytd, I am tired. Like getting my hopes up.. and hoping they wouldn't fall. Coupled by a lot of insecurities and doubt. Oh, and struggles too. Hopefully wouldn't take the coward way out. :/

The day suddenly turned to grey,
Darkening across the blue sky.
I wonder why the sun never rise,
And the contrast seems so bleak.

It seems to mirror my emotions,
Swirling undetected underneath everything.
Because all I want to do now is to cry,
Waiting for the end to come.

I am standing at the start,
My heart's pounding waiting for an answer.
My tears seems to stall,
There's no call..

I wonder what I am feeling,
When I don't have a name for it.
Its just an emptiness,
That I no longer feel.

Feeling depressed these few days, which hasn't happened in a very long while. Feeling very confused, and kinda heartbroken... I want to watch the movie with him and E, but I don't want to not go for freshie prac. Not that I want to, because I don't want to interact with people for the rest of the sem. I am breaking I guess? But mainly heartbroken. Making mistakes every other day, and generally expecting seniors' scolding and disappointments. I find myself in a state where I could just simply give up and let people talk. I am tired enough that I just wanna give up everything and just do whatever I want. To heck with anything else.

I just want to close two ears and pretend that everything is fine. I just want to pretend that everything is fine and dandy, and when he likes me and we actually have a relationship (or otherwise) rather than the pretentious one (I feel) we have now that I am trying my best to please without compromising my other stuff. Really, I am exhausted. And really, I am useless at freshie's batch anyway. :/

Maybe I should just give up. After gl'Mour. Like go back to the life that I've left behind and just stop dancing. Just playing the idea around in my head. Maybe I am just not good enough for anything. Or maybe I am just so tired and disappointed and overwhelmed. And I am starting to wonder do I even matter to anyone anymore. Because I am back to where I am started.

If only I live

If only I live in an island with no humans
I could live in bliss.
Racing around buck naked
And no shame would come to me.

If only I live in a shell of a turtle
I could feel at ease.
Sleeping as I wanted
With no deadlines chasing me.

If only I live in a husk of coconut
I could count in peace
All the days spent doing nothing
Clapping to the beat.

If only I live in the inside of a bell
I could chime as I please.
But if I was left all alone in the world
Would I choose to drift?

Seeing the couples in Ballare celebrating their anniversaries made me a little sad somehow.. Its like, I miss having someone around next to me... And knowing next week is going to be crazy doesn't help.

Keri Noble - Falling

Standing here outside your door
Not sure if you're home
Wondering if I'm a fool
Maybe I should go

Usually I'm fearless
But I've become undone
A clown without even a disguise
Now everyone will know that I've

Fallen, fallen, I've fallen in love
And I can't make sense of it

Don't know how this happened
I can't say for sure
But suddenly I'm incomplete
Sustaining on the hope

If you meet me face to face
You can hear my heart
You might feel this terrifying
Something rising up and you've

Fallen, fallen, you've fallen in love
And you can't make sense of it
And you've fallen in love
And you can't make sense of it

放弃了

好想好好的哭一场，

我走的太远，

他也不见了。

那悬崖边缘太近太孤独了，

他的视线渐渐的散了。

就忍耐一下吧，

就多一下。

Dreams

Maybe when I close my eyes,
I'll see you in my dreams.
And there you are,
Standing before me.

You said you'll hold me,
And cherish me.
Till the sun breaks,
And dreams fade.

就忍著吧。多一下下就好了。

Reflection (inspired by skipping-it.blogspot.com)

After reading yy's blog, I decided I am in need of a reflection in the middle of CAT class, haha.

Since a while ago, I decided that I didn't want to live with regrets. No matter what my choices are, I am going to move forward without looking back. But recently, a few things happened, and I have been looking back quite a bit; not all of them are pleasant memories. There were a few what-ifs, and a couple of I-shouldn't-have-done-thats, and a lot of whys. But there were also a lot of I-finally-understood-why-I'm-here-doing-this insights, which encouraged me.

But while yy is happily attached, I am standing on the cliff of uncertainty and doubt, wondering what I should do next. Whether it is schoolwork, cca, or any potential relationship, I am at a loss. I have been feeling really down due to CAT class, I just don't understand most of the content covered, and I feel myself giving up. For Ballare, I am questioning my dance ability and my passion, would I give up in the pursuit of mastery of ballroom dancing? I try to remember the first time I fell in love with dance, where it was my comfort and friend through my darkest time. I just try not to color it with competition results and rivalry. And I am once again sliding into the inferiority every time I like someone. Am I boring? Am I too much? I tortured myself over and over again everyday.

All of which just slide slowly into resignition. The resigned fact that I am still bearing the responsibility of service and that it needs to be on my highest priority no matter what happened. I am tired, I just want to close my eyes and wish everything away. But who knows what will happen in the future? Maybe after I hit rock bottom, what Sherie says will come soon.

The only way to go away from the bottom is up.

Drifting...

Time passes gently,
I am here once again.

Standing on the brink of memories,
Yet so far away.

Quietly surveying the scenes before me,
Writing another script.

Closing my eyes,
I can see it clearly.

The past before me,
Fading to black.

Slowly as I forget,
I remembered everything.

Please tell me why I am still waiting for you.

太美的风景，但是为什么我只能看见无助？
也许是被伤害了以后，才发现自己的脆弱。
好想在坠落之前坚强一些，
不让自己在为谁来感伤。